Quote Frames!!!

While at the retreat this past weekend we had a craft session. I had so much fun doing this craft that I had to share with the rest of you. Coley posted how to make our craft earlier today on her blog and I thought I would just link her blog to mine. Click on the link below to see what supplies you will need to create one of these cute Quote Frames!! Coley's Corner: Group Craft: Quote Frames  **Come back to my blog once you have read her little blog on how to make one of these!**

Now that you have read how to make one...be creative and make one of your own!!! Most of the supplies you could probably find at the dollar store! 

Here is the finished product of my own frame. I had so much fun making one this past weekend that it makes me want to make a few more!! 

 

Below is what my frame looks like with something written on the glass: 

Birthmother's Weekend - Charlotte, NC

27 women, 27 unique stories, less than 5 hours of sleep each night, 3 days in 1 city all combined together creates a very exhausting weekend. Sound like fun?? Well I was one of the 27 women doing exactly that, this past weekend!!



For some of you who follow me on Facebook will know that I went down to Charlotte, North Carolina this past weekend for the Birthmom Buds Birthmother's Day Celebration. Birthmother's day is the day before Mother's Day. Since a lot of birthmothers may be parenting children as well, Birthmom Buds put on the retreat the weekend before. This was my first year to be able to go. I had been wanting to go for several years but could never figure out how to go. I was given an amazing opportunity to go this year and I took it. Thank you to the person who gave me this opportunity!! I flew out early Friday morning and met Lani at the airport as her plane landed just about thirty minutes after my flight. We then shared a taxi ride over to the hotel. I met up with a couple other birthmoms who were sitting in the hotel lobby eating some breakfast. I sat for a few minutes while my room was being straightened out as our party was all suppose to be staying on the 10th floor. Once I got my room I went up and took a shower to try and wake myself up as I knew it would be a long day and probably a very late night.

Once I was ready, I heard a kock on the door and it was several other ladies wondering if I was ready to go. I grabbed what I needed and made sure I had my camera. Our hotel room was just across the street from the brand new NASCAR Hall of Fame. Two other birthmothers were already inside of the Hall of Fame and so Coley called them to see how far into the exhibit they were. They were not very far and so I embraced my inner redneck and excitedly walked up to buy a ticket for admission. If you are a NASCAR fan, please take an entire day and spend it at the Hall of Fame if you are ever in or very near Charlotte. Completely worth it, and discounted tickets can be found through your AAA membership!! After spending the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon at the Hall of Fame, we went back to the hotel to rest for a bit. I went back to my hotel room to get dressed for dinner as we were headed to a nice Italian place.

Ladies at dinner - Friday Night

Friday evening was spent with 19 other birthmothers and a few of their mothers. I shared an entree with someone as the entrees were huge!!! So yummy and I have found a place to eat at again when I go back to Charlotte! Friday night some of us ventured out to a bar called Howl at the Moon where there was some dueling piano playing going on. I didn't know what to expect, but found myself singing along to songs like "Brown Eyed Girl" and "American Pie". When we got back to the hotel a small group of us sat in Coley's hotel room telling each other our placement stories. I has been awhile since I have verbally told my story and it was great to hear other women their placement stories. It was amazing the bond that was really felt in that room. Women who were all like each other in so many ways young and older. 2:30a rolled around and it was definitely bedtime.

Saturday came quickly and I found out that I should probably share a room with someone next year. My alarm went off, and I thought I had hit the snooze button. Well the snooze never went back off and I woke up 40 minutes before the actual Birthmother's event started!! Talk about a rude awakening!! I took a very quick shower and tried to look as presentable as I could. I skipped any eye makeup as I figured it would be a pretty emotional day. I am a sympathy crier at times and didn't need to end up with burning racoon eyes!! The morning consisted of sitting through two different break-out sessions. The first one I chose was on close adoptions. Now before you say anything, "Yes I do have an open adoption, but I wanted to learn something new and I find the closed adoption world very interesting!" The session was on what to expect if a reunion happens and it goes wrong, or if a reunion never fully happens and how to cope. Most of the women who gathered around the table were all from the era of closed adoptions. Myself and another woman were the only ones who had an open adoption. I am just in awe at the women who were not given a choice of why type of adoption they wanted due to the time period of when their placement was. The other breakout session that I chose to sit through was how to deal with the shame and guilt one may have when dealing with adoption emotions. Once again very interesting and some got very emotional with this session. I am at peace at where I am for the most part in my adoption decision and so even though I may have some shame and/or guilt...I have been able to process a lot of these emotions already.After session number 2 we all ventured over to a different room and created a fun little craft tht was extremely easy. I will make sure to blog about that later this week!!!

Katrina - one of the speakers who was a birthmother and an adoptive mom

After lunch came a pretty emotional afternoon. Speakers that ranged from all sides of the Adoption Triad that had different walks of life and how they have dealt with the emotions from being in that part of the adoption triad. Once the speakers were done we did a balloon release and then watched the annual slideshow. I am one who can only watch the slideshow once a year and then I am done with it. I love viewing it each year but it is something that I can't watch over and over.

2011 Balloon release

 After the slideshow came probably the most emotional part of the day which was the Birthmother Candle Ceremony. Once the actual event was over I went back to the hotel room and took a nap before the next set of evening festivities would start. I was dragging and full well knew it could be another very late night. Dinner was spent at Rock Bottom Brewery and then we all headed over to an 80s/90s dance club. Some of us dressed up in 80s/90s clothing and jewelry. I left early as I was just needing some time to sit and be alone. It had been a long day and I was looking forward to going back to a quiet room.

The dance club had glow glasses!!

 Yesterday I woke up and got ready to head on out. I didn't know what time check-out was and so I wanted to be prepared that it may be an early checkout right after breakfast. I said "see you later" to some of the women who had early flights to catch or were headed back home by car sooner than some of the rest of us. I l and 6 other women who all had late afternoon or evening flights spent the afternoon together exploring a little bit more of Charlotte. I fell in love with everything that Charlotte has to offer and I was sad when I was in the airport having to say goodbye to such an awesome city and the amazing women who I met over the weekend.

Pam, one of the ladies who I hung out with Sunday afternoon

I am looking forward to next year as I am definitely going back. I have already made plans that the day after I get back from my trip next year I am not doing anything but staying home and sleeping if I can. The retreat/girls weekend or whatever you want to call it was completely worth loosing sleep. I made friendships that I feel will last a very long time. I look forward to getting to know some of these women a little bit better (on their adoption life and their non-adoption life) over the next year and hopefully see some of them in person before next May!!!

Melanie and I who share lots of things in common!

Seven...

Kaylee celebrating with her friends for birthday #5 (2009)

 Seven is a big number in life in general. God created the the earth in seven days for those of us who believe in creation. For all of us who enjoy color, there are seven colors of the rainbow. For those of us who enjoy science there are seven base units for measuring and if you get three sevens while playing a slot machine you win the jackpot. This year though, the number seven is very special to me.

Seven years ago today I had been up all night sitting in a hospital bed doing what women know best. A bit of yelling, laughing, watching cooking shows, trying not to get annoyed from people and oh ya...HAVING A BABY!! Today, seven years ago I became a mom. One thing that no one can ever take away from me. I pushed every 2 minutes for 2.5 hours straight to be able to hold a five pound four ounce baby girl in my arms for the first time. I will never forget that night for as long as I will live. I couldn't believe what had happened, as if it was a dream. I do then remember looking up at this baby girl's adoptive mom and saying, "well mom what is her name?" She said, "How about Kaylee Rae?" And so be it...I was holding the cutest little Kaylee Rae in my arms. No one could even start to prepare me for the emotions that I would have with seeing her for the first time. You can read all the books and try to be prepared, but it is something that every woman who has given birth can only understand with out words.

I try to do something special each year when Kaylee's birthday comes around. Last year I blogged about how I was going to spend the day and so forth. Since I am doing the Daily Joys each day, I figured my blog should be something centered around that since Miss Kaylee's birthday is a joyous occasion!!

1. I cherish her hand drawn pictures, craft projects, and school photographs that are sent to me a couple times a year.
2. I see her on a yearly basis when I head home to Oregon.
3. I am loving how she gives me a call every so often to either wish me a good day or to tell me about her loosing a tooth at recess.
4. I can not ask 2 better people to raise my child!
5. I try and tell people in a positive way how adoption has affected my life
6. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing women who all share the same emotions I deal with on a yearly basis
7. I look forward to the many years to come and developing a close relationship with Kaylee as she gets older.

I am sure I could go on and on about mindless things...but I truly am loving her birthday this year. I hope that each birthday gets better!!!

Happy birthday my Lil Miss Kaylee!! 

I hope that you had a wonderful day!

Daily Joy Project 2011

A friend of mine from high school started a Daily Joy Project last year. It was so inspiring that I thought I would try it this year. Basically what she did was posted five positive things on her Facebook status near the end of the day about her day. It was something that I and other people looked forward to reading each evening. Since it is the new year, I figured I would try and do the same thing. I am hoping to post something each night, and there have been a few times that I have not posted anything only because I forgot!! You know, life happens and tends to get in the way.

To catch you all up on how I have been...here are the past several days just so that you can see what I am doing.

Sunday: Jan 23rd 

"Today's Joys: relaxing Sunday with not much going on, went grocery shopping before the after-church rush started, bought a new camera to replace the one that I broke last year, and picking the winning teams for both NFL playoff games tonight!!"

Saturday: Jan 22nd 

"Today's Joys: Another successful tea event, oil change for my car finally got done, the sun was out today despite the bitter cold temps, and ending the evening having dinner with some girl friends!" 

Thursday: Jan 21st 

"Today's Joys: My first call today ended up being around 20 minutes with the sweetest ladies who just needed her medication changed down to a tier 2, a tea house that i have been trying to get a hold of FINALLY got back to me, had amazing service when I went out to dinner with the husband, and TOMORROW'S FRIDAY!"

Now you get the idea of what I am doing. Since I have been posting these, my mom has noticed that I have a better outlook on life when she and I talk on the phone. I will admit that I was and can be a pretty negative person. I figured this would help fix the attitude and force me to think of at least a couple good things on a day that could be such a crappy one!! 


Now for today's joys! 

Monday: Jan 24th

"Had a quiet day at home even though I really felt yucky, I put a whole chicken in the slow cooker before going back to bed this morning and it turned out awesome, and in just once week until a special little girl in my life turns 7 years old!!"

Change of Blog topic from moving to Adoption

I was going tell you all about how Rob accepted a visiting professor position at Cleveland State, but I ran across an article that is worth sharing. I can not remember where I found this article but it must have been from another blog that I was reading tonight. If I can remember which blog it was I will include it in with this blog to thank the blogger for bringing this article to my own attention.

Anyways, back in May of this year Newsweek featured an article called, "Why Birth Moms Deserve Respect". Click on the title to read the article. I am always ready to bite when I see titles like this. I didn't know where this article was going to go but hey...I didn't have much to do since I am sitting here listening to the hum from the computers in the sever room here at home. Ok...back to topic here. hahaha.

The article starts off saying how today's society really focus' on two parts of the Adoption Triad which being the adoptive parents and then the children, but tends to leave out the most important part of the triad, us birth mother's. When society thinks or even refers to us birth mothers they depict us as drug users, unfit mothers, or teens who don't have the maturity to care for the child on their own. But for those of us who are in the adoption world, we know that there are more of us every day people out there who thought that placing our child into another woman's arms was the best choice at the time for our child.

Society has recently brought the adoption themes into movies, books, and even television shows. The article as talks about this. In movies such as Juno or Knocked-Up it shows unmarried women as either some opinionated teenager or as cutesy blonde woman who is freaking out about being pregnant. Now don't get me wrong, I truly love both of these movies and Knocked-Up is not for the young eyes to see or really revolve around the adoption world...but it shows what we think when it comes to Birth moms. The article brings up the adoption plots in television shows as well. Glee, Brothers & Sisters, and even Friends have all had adoption themes, where only the child is the one involved.

By still making fun of the adoption world...people in real life still tend to look down at adoption. Even six years after placement, I get the odd looks and "oh's" when I tell people that I placed my daughter into an Open Adoption. I often wonder what they think about, but I know what they are thinking. "How could she just give up on her child?" But these people are the ones who are not willing to open their minds and see the whole picture.

I like a part of the article that says,  “Our society has lifted much of the stigma of single motherhood, but still finds it difficult to support a woman who is, as they see it, abandoning her child. These women are told: ‘How can you possibly give up your child? What kind of person could do that?’ So while adoption is listed as viable option, it’s a choice that’s rarely made.” I believe this is  a very true statement.  


I would hope that Adoption thoughts would become more real and not so taboo in today's society. If we look back in ages...we see open adoption but just not in full form with the name adoption. When a mother was unable to care for her child her family would step in and take care of the child and gain custody if needed. How is that not adoption? It is in my eyes. Even now with the majority of families being now "blended" families how is that any more normal or ok than adoption? 


So think about your thoughts and feelings about adoption verses some of the thoughts I have placed in here. I bet you have thought some of these yourself without even knowing it. You think adoption when Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie adopt a new baby, or when another celebrity adopts because it is the "cool thing to do" right now. You think of these movies and television shows that poke fun of pregnant woman who has to decide whether to parent her child or place it into a family. But what you really should think about if you were in the same situation or if you were an infertile married couple who would love to adopt a child and know how it feels to love a child. You should really think about the emotions that the Natural mother or Birth mother feels when every holiday, mother's day, or birthday comes around. 


So like the article says...Birth mother's deserve some respect in today's society. 

Happy Birthmother's Day

Happy Birthmother's day!! This post is for all of the birthmothers out there today in the world. Birthmother's Day is always celebrated the day before Mother's Day.

I am a member of Birthmom Buds which is an online organization that supports Birthmom's all over the country! I actually volunteer my time each month by writing different articles, collecting birthdays, and even prayer requests for the monthly newsletter.

This month's newsletter was centered around Birthmother's day. I wanted to share with you a poem that was written by another fellow birthmother. The poem was read at the annual birthmom day celebration. I will get to this celebration one year!! But I find this poem very fitting for a day like today. Once again Happy Birthmother's day, ladies!

These Women
by Leigh Harding
(read at Birthmother's Day 2010)

A sigh in the night
A tear down the cheek
The computer goes on
 Because she can't sleep.

The words come out
 As the tears flow
There is only one place
 She knows she can go.

 Where the words don't sound strange,
The language isn't foreign
And there is someone there
 Who has been where she is going.

 Because of their present
They may not know what to say
But the words that are written are
 Honest and true.

 These Women,
These Friends,
These Sisters.

 No matter what we call ourselves
We are tied to the one word
 that will always bind us together:
Birthmother.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Happy Valentine's Day to you!!! I hope that you have a wonderful day!! Even if you are single...you can still treat yourself to a nice dinner or a movie of your choice!!! get out there and have a fun day!! I on the other hand...have a paper to finish before I head into work. I am closing at the theatre yet again tonight. I am hoping that it will not be too busy...but we can only wait and see what happens. I wish that I could take my laptop with me to work so that I could work on my paper once it gets slow. ;)

For Valentine's Day I try to send Kaylee a card and something small since her birthday is just two weeks prior. This year I sent her a cute little sparkly puppy dog card that looked like my own dogs. I put on the inside some Princess & the Frog trading cards, and a purple bracelet. This morning I got a little note in my facebook messages from NaeDean. It was a thank you note from Kaylee. Here is what it said....

"Thank you for the cool bracelet and princess and the frog cards and
very cute dog valentines card. I love them. Kaylee
(Kaylee also says you and Rob look good together in your new facebook pic)"

This made my day!!!

Enjoy your special Sunday!

Friendship in Music, Movies, and Books

This month I posted a little article in the Birthmom Buds monthly newsletter. I thought I would share it with my readers. Since it is a birthmom type of newsletter part of the article does have to tie into adoption. But this article could be used for just about anyone.

Friendship in Music, Movies, and Books
by Amy Schumaker

Webster's dictionary defines a friend as: "–noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter. 3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile." 

I love friendships. A best friend is like a sister or a big brother. They are people who you can laugh, cry, and tell your deepest most secret thoughts with. We all have them!! Think...who is that one person that you can do this with. Was she or he the first person you told that you were pregnant? Were they the first person who called to check on you after you signed away your motherly rights and placed your child into the adopted parents arms?? If you said yes to any of these...then you indeed have a best friend. Over the years my friends have been through it all with me. Placement of my first child, the bad relationships that I got myself into, my wedding and the teary conversations finding out that my husband was infertile. All of these are life stones that my best friends helped me out with. I love every one of them. I have three best friends, one being a male.

February is a month about friendships and love. I can often relate to music, movies, and even books. I thought I would list some that correspond with Friends. 

Music
"That's what friends are for" Dionne Warrick 
"Friends" Micheal W. Smith
"You've got a Friend" James Taylor
"I'll be there for You" The Rembrandts 
"I've got friends in low places" Garth Brooks
"With a little help from my friends" The Beatles

Movies
"Circle of Friends"
"The Joy Luck Club"
"Calendar Girls"
"The Bucket List"
"Beaches"
"My Best Friend's Wedding"

Books
"Sisterchick book series" written by Robin Jones Gunn
"Winnie the Pooh" written by AA Milne
"Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom 
"The Blue Bottle Club" by Penelope J. Stokes

If you have not heard, watched, or read any of these...you should check them out!!!

My Adoption Story

I have had some people asking me to post my story again. If you have not ever read this, please have tissues. I wrote the story about six weeks after placement.

I was 22 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. It was the month of May 2003. I had been a friend with a guy named Scott. I had started talking to him on the Internet a year earlier. We had met a couple more times after the first time meeting in person. On the night of May 9, 2003 I went to his house for the night. We were lying in bed and he asked me if I was still on the birth control pill. I told him no because I had run out of them and had not gotten any yet. He then said, “Uh…Oh!” At that moment I knew that I was pregnant. That next morning, Scott told me to go get the “morning-after pill”. Well, since I didn’t have health insurance, I could not get a prescription for it.

A few weeks past and I still had not gotten my period. I finally took a pregnancy test, the Tuesday after Memorial Day, at work and sure enough it came back positive. I didn’t even have to wait the whole three minutes, because the pink line was very bold! That night I went home and told my mom. I was extremely nervous in telling her, but I had to, before she found out from someone else. So when she got home from work, I told her that I had something to tell her. She asked me if it was good or bad. I told her that I guess it depended on how she looked at it. I stumbled to find the right words, so I just finally came out and said it. She was very quiet and said, “Well, ok”. When my dad got home, my mom told him. It was a very uncomfortable evening, to say the least. I felt like this was just one more thing to add to my plate of wrong doings. I was mad at myself for ending up this way.

The next day I went to the Canby Crisis Pregnancy Center to confirm that I was pregnant. They asked me if I was going to parent the baby or place the baby into an adoption. I told them that I was going to keep the baby. When I got home that night and told my parents that yes I was definitely pregnant, they asked me what I was going to do. My answer was to either keep the baby or place the baby into an adoption. However, I was adamant that I was going to keep the baby.

That night I talked to Scott and told him that I was pregnant. He was furious, to say the least. He could not understand why I didn’t go and take the “morning-after” pill like we had talked about. He told me that since I didn’t take the pill, then I had to get an abortion. I told him that there was no way I would get an abortion! That was totally against what I believed in. I told him that I was going to keep the baby. He asked me why I would want to keep this baby. He told me that I was stupid for keeping it and that getting an abortion would be a quick fix. He said that I needed to go back to school and get a degree and a baby was just going to be too hard to do all of that.

That next week I went to my regular counselor. She asked what I thought about being pregnant, as what I thought about being a mom. She also asked me how I felt about adoption. I told her that 1) I didn’t know too much about it, and 2) what I did know about adoption, I didn’t really like. For homework, she has me write out a PROS and CONS list for both ideas.

As I did what she had asked, I began to see how much more adoption was. I then decided that adoption was probably my best choice. I had to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about this baby. I also had to think about what was best for this baby. I called around to about five different adoption agencies. I found that I liked an agency called Open Adoption and Family Services. Scott was actually the one who found this agency on the web (www.openadopt.com).

When I called them to set up an appointment, they were so nice. They were concerned about me AND the baby. That is one aspect of their agency that I really liked. I had my first appointment with Sari (pronounced Shari) on July 23rd. I was pretty nervous at the first meeting, since I didn’t know what to expect. Sari was so nice, and she was pregnant herself. We talked about why I had chosen adoption over parenting. She also did a “getting-to-know-you” interview, too. She sent me home to do a little bit of homework. She wanted me to look at all of my options for parenting and placing for an adoption, and then make a new PROS and CONS list for both options. I started to go see her once a month.

On September 18th, I had an ultra-sound and was told that I was going to have a little girl. Sadly, Sari told me that she was going to be leaving for her maternity leave in the end of October, so I would be meeting with a new counselor. Her name was Amy D. I found Amy to be very nice and that I could connect with her a lot more than what I did with Sari.

In October, I started looking at adoptive families. Amy told me to look them over and choose five different families. I had many regulations that the couples must have. I was looking for a family that was: heterosexual, young, went to church, lived in Oregon or Washington, had good family values, had either no kids or one other kid, and many more things. I looked at a lot of people. I found five couples that I wanted to look a little bit deeper at. Once I picked out the five couples, I called Amy to let her know. When I went to the next appointment at the adoption agency, Amy gave me a full detailed packet on each of these five families. From those five I had to narrow it down to one family.

I finally narrowed it down to a couple named Darrin and NaeDean. Their full detailed profile just seemed so down to earth. I felt like I could really get along with them. They had everything that I was looking for. They didn’t have any kids yet, they went to church, liked to go camping, very close to their families, and they lived in Oregon. I called Amy to let her know that I wanted to meet them.

A couple weeks before I met them, I had a counseling session with Amy, with Scott in attendance. This was the first time I had seen him since the night that I got pregnant. He agreed to meet with Darrin and NaeDean, too.

On the morning of December 3rd, my mom and I went to the adoption agency. This was the day that we would meet Darrin and NaeDean for the first time. I was so nervous and sick to my stomach. I told my mom that I didn’t know if I could go through with this. She just told me that it was just my nerves and that I would be just fine. The moment I walked into the mediation room at the adoption agency, all of my nerves went away. I knew that Darrin and NaeDean were the people to take my baby.

The first mediation went very well. We shared pictures of our families and told each other about our hobbies and aspirations. I was so calm and myself. I was actually a little giddy. Amy asked all of us why we had chosen an open adoption. When it came around to Scott’s turn, I was so scared in what he was going to say, since he really wanted me to get an abortion. He said, “Well, because I knew Amy would like this better than a closed adoption.”

After the meeting, Darrin, NaeDean, Scott, my mom, and I all went to lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant. The lunch was a little weird but we all got though it. We were all just nervous and didn’t really know what to say. Before we all got into our cars, NaeDean asked me if I still wanted to go through all of this. I said, “Of course!” I was so happy that she was feeling the same way I was. I felt like I had known her and Darrin for a lot longer than just a couple of hours. While we were at lunch, we exchanged addresses and phone numbers.

The next morning, I called Amy to let her know how I was feeling and told her that I wanted to take the next step in the process. Amy told me that NaeDean had actually called on her way home from lunch, which made me feel really good. Amy told me that we would set up the second mediation for sometime in early January. In December my parents and I had went down to visit Darrin and NaeDean at their house. They also came up to Canby to meet the rest of my family for dinner one night in January.

January 15th was the second mediation. This meeting was when we talked about the Open Adoption Agreement. Scott was unable to attend this meeting, due to his uncertainty about what he wanted out of the adoption. Darrin, NaeDean, and I agreed on a minimum of four visitations a year for the first five years and then two times a year until the age of eighteen. Then we agreed sending pictures and letters at least four times a year until the age of eighteen. Next we talked about names. At that point, NaeDean and I had three names picked out. We had: Katelynn Rae, Karlee Rae, and Hailey Rae. I asked if we could use either my first name or middle name as part of the baby’s name.

A couple weeks before I went into labor, NaeDean and I spent a Sunday afternoon together. We went to lunch and then saw a movie. We had begun exchanging email and phone calls on a regular basis. NaeDean and Darrin were easily becoming new members of my family.

On January 30th (four days before my due date), I started to go into labor. My mom took me up to the hospital and I was admitted at midnight. After being in labor for seventeen hours, a five-pound four and a half-ounce baby girl was born at 12:49pm. I looked at NaeDean and asked her what the baby’s name was. She hesitated and then said, “How about Kaylee Rae?” And it fit perfectly.

I stayed in the hospital for the next two days, since I could not sign the adoption papers for forty-eight hours after Kaylee was born. I kept Kaylee in my room most of the time. I let Darrin and NaeDean come and go as they pleased. NaeDean was in my room for the entire labor and then most of the day on Saturday. It was nice to spend sometime with Kaylee and NaeDean. She told me that if I wanted to be alone with Kaylee, to just tell her. But I wanted her to be there.

While I was in the hospital, I was experiencing a lot of different emotions that I had not ever felt before. I can not even really describe the emotions that I was feeling. I was so happy to see Kaylee in my arms, but yet sad at the same time. I knew that in just a couple of days she would be going home with Darrin and NaeDean, rather than with me. I did not allow myself to be in the room alone with Kaylee that much. Every time I was alone in the room with her, my eyes would start to fill up with tears.

Mainly just my family came and saw me on Saturday, and my sister stayed with me on Saturday night. I kept Kaylee in my room with me most of the night. I sent her to the nursery for just a couple of hours, so that I could get some sleep. On Sunday, my parents and Darrin and NaeDean came back to the hospital. Sunday was also Super Bowl Sunday so I wasn’t expecting visitors until late afternoon. NaeDean had brought up a huge care basket for me. It had lotions, bath gels, slippers, a journal, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

My adoption counselor, Amy, came and saw me, too. She wanted to see how I was feeling. She was glad to hear that everything went well. She told me that she would be back the next day around 11am or so to sign the papers and stuff. My bible study girls and church group all came to see Kaylee and me after church. It seemed like there was a never-ending line of people on Sunday. My mom stayed the night with me.

Monday morning, February 2nd, I woke up crying and feeling very emotional. I felt mad, sad, and even jealous. I was jealous that NaeDean was going to be taking my Kaylee home with her. I felt like I was a bad mother for giving her away. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I kept telling myself that Darrin and NaeDean were going to take good care of her, and that I was going to be able to watch her grow up.

My mom and I took a whole bunch of pictures of Kaylee and I before everyone else got there. Amy finally got there and asked me how I was doing. My mom told her that it had been a pretty emotional morning. Amy completely understood. She told me that once I felt ready to sign the papers to let her know. So around 11:30 am or so, I finally told Amy that I was ready. Darrin and NaeDean left the room. In the room it was Amy, my mom, my dad, Kaylee, and I. Amy started to read the document out loud and I was trying to be brave and not cry. But I could not fight back the tears. Once they started to roll, they came like a river. I could not really hear what Amy was saying, but I knew what the documents had said, since we had went over them at a previous counseling session. I felt like I was stuck in a bad dream, and that I was going to wake myself up and everything was going to be ok.

When Amy was done reading the first document, she asked me if I understood. I said, “Yes.” And then I signed and dated the document. She then did it a second time with the other piece of paper. The hardest part was watching Amy stamp each document and notarize them. After we got done with that, Amy gave my family some time alone in the room. All three of us just sat and cried. My dad said a prayer for Kaylee after awhile.

We finally got the composure to let other people come back in the room. Darrin and NaeDean came in first. NaeDean was crying just as much as me. I knew that her tears were of joy and sorrow. She was happy to finally become a mom, but at the same to be taking this precious baby away from her birthmother. Darrin came over to my bed and gave me a gift box. I opened the box and there was another smaller box inside. I opened that box and there was a gold heart locket. On the inside of the locket there was a picture of Kaylee, and then a picture of Kaylee and me. On the back of the locket, they had engraved “Lil’ Miss”, the nickname I had given Kaylee when I was pregnant, since we hadn’t picked out a name yet.

Then Amy came back in and Scott and his mother came in. Amy said that this was a time for all of us to sit and reflect on what had happened in the past nine months. We were all pretty quiet. Then Scott finally spoke. He thanked my parents and I for choosing such a great couple and said that Kaylee is pretty great. He got pretty choked up. It was nice to see that he was feeling the same way I was.

After Amy had everything taken care of with the hospital, we all got ready to go. Amy had to walk out with Kaylee, since I had signed the adoption papers releasing her from my care. When we got outside, we put Kaylee in her car seat and Darrin and NaeDean left. Before they left, both of them gave me a hug. NaeDean told me that she would call me to say that they got home safely. We planned on me going down to see Kaylee that next Saturday.

That first couple of days at home were the hardest. I cried myself to sleep, because my cat’s meow sounded like Kaylee’s cry. I slept with a little teddy bear that was about the same weight as Kaylee.

The next Saturday, my mom and I went down and saw Kaylee. It was so good to be able to see her within a week of her going home with Darrin and NaeDean. I feel like it helped me accept my decision a little easier.

Also during that first week of being home, I went in for my first grief counseling with Amy at the adoption agency. At that session, Amy and I sat and reflected about what had happened the past weekend. I told her that it felt like a very surreal experience. I said to her, “You go to the hospital being pregnant, do all the work, but do not end up going home with the prize.”

A couple weeks later, someone asked me how I felt on the day that I signed the adoption papers. I told them that it was a very hard thing to explain. Awhile later, I was talking to another friend who had been through the same thing as me and she explained it like this. She said, “It’s like having someone stick a knife in your heart, slowly turning the knife, while patting you on the back telling you that you are doing the right thing.” I could not believe it! She nailed it on the head on the emotions that I had been feeling! It was just amazing!

Still to this day, I do not regret my decisions at all. Yes…sometimes I wish that I could have Kaylee here at my house with me, but I know that she was meant for Darrin and NaeDean. I gave Kaylee a better life and completed Darrin and NaeDean as a family. I also feel like family to Darrin and NaeDean. Kaylee will grow up knowing her adoptive parents and her birth family, too. What more could she ask for?

Selling Open Adoption??

Monday evening in class my social work professor had myself and my two other classmates do a role play as a social worker in the field that we want to go into. Therefore I played a social worker who was working in an adoption agency. I envisioned myself being in an open adoption. here is how the role play situation went down....

Me: Hi my name is Amy. What brings you here today?

Idelle: Hi, my name is Idelle and I want to know about adoption.

Me: What have you heard about adoption? What are the good and bad things you have heard?

Idelle: I have not heard anything about adoption.

Me: Ok, since you have not heard anything about adoption, I will explain the three different types. Open, Semi-Open, and Closed.

Idelle: ok...

Me: Closed is when the child and birthparent have no idea who each other are. the child grows up not knowing anything about the birthparent. Semi-open is when the birth parent has limitations on contact with the child. Open adoption is probably the best option for all parties involved. The child, birth parent, and adoptive parents all have open contact from the get go.

Idelle: ok..

Me: Do you have any questions for me?

Idelle: no. I was just curious.

Me: Are you the one who is pregnant or are you inquiring for someone else?

Idelle: Not for me, but my daughter who is 25 and pregnant.

Me: Do you think your daughter would be open to coming in to talk with me?

Idelle: Probably not because of the situation of how she became pregnant.

Me: Ok, thanks for letting me know.

End of role play.

At this time my professor reflected on the role play. She asked me, "do you think you were trying to tell your client that Open Adoption is the BEST way for everyone?" "Do you think that you were 'selling' open adoption to your client?" I said, "i do not think i was selling open adoption. i envisioned myself sitting in an open adoption agency. therefore open adoption agencies advocate for open adoptions, but it is the choice of the birth parent of what level of openness she wants with her child." I also had red flags go up when the client told me that she was inquiring for her daughter who as 25, and yet the daughter didn't want to come in due to the way of how she became pregnant. I was thinking, "Why is the mother coming in?? What is the real reason of why the daughter is not coming in? Is the client not wanting her daughter to be a mom?" I know that all of these questions would come in later with answers.

Ever since my professor asked me if i was  "selling" open adoption, it got me thinking. Were all of us open adoption birthmothers sold to choose open adoption?? I personally do not think I was. I knew walking into the agency doors that the agency does open adoptions. I did my homework before entering the agency. So here are my questions that I need to ask about. "How does a social worker phrase things in a way that don't sound to be 'sold'? How does one learn to not pass judgement on a mother just coming into the office and inquiring about the different types of adoption?"

I know that I have a lot to learn. :)

Anniversary of Relinquishment

When one thinks of the word "Relinquishment" what comes to mind?? Webster's dictionary defines this word as:  

"1. To retire from; give up or abandon. 2. To put aside or desist from (something practiced, professed, or intended). 3. To let go; surrender. 4. To cease holding physically; release." 

Funny how this word does not mean to give a better life. I hate how harsh this word is and how final it is. I hate every part of this word...but yet it is a word that is part of the adoption world. One that is talked about but yet the reality of this word does not take place until a small infant is laying in a woman's arms. If I could do one thing for the adoption world...it would be to replace this word for something different. I am not too sure what other word to use...but I would definitely change it. 

Six years ago today this word was very real in my life. I had spoken to my adoption counselor weeks before I went into labor about what this day would be like, but yet no adoption counselor could really fully prepare me for the intense emotions I would feel. Six years ago today would have been a Monday. Chilly but sunny outside in Oregon. My mom had stayed with me at the hospital over night. It was the last night that I could hear Kaylee's cries for feeding, a diaper change, or the comfort of just wanting to be held. About 7am, mom said it was time to start the day. We got dressed, and took some very teary pictures as the emotions were so overwhelming. I just wished that I could freeze time and just stay in that hospital room forever. But I knew that could not happen. Around 10am, people started arriving: such as my adoption counselor, Darrin & NaeDean, Scott, and my dad. We took some more pictures and Scott's mom was able to see Kaylee for the first time. About 11am was when the realization of the papers had to be signed. Everyone left the room except my parents, Kaylee, myself and my adoption counselor. She pulled out the very papers that she and I had read a couple weeks before to start the relinquishment process. The words on the page that she read come through as if I was sitting in Charlie Brown's classroom listening to his teacher. Then Amy would ask me if I understood and I said yes. One paper signed. Next sheet of paper the same process. While she was reading I was holding Kaylee with tears streaming down my face as if someone had left the bathroom facet on. I signed yet another paper saying that I was giving up my rights as a natural mother and would not show up at any court dates to fight what I had signed. Then it was over. The papers were signed, notarized and there they sat, just so final.

After the signing, Amy (my adoption counselor) gave parents and I some time alone with Kaylee. The three of us sat and just cried...but we all knew it was the best thing we could have done. I was 23 at the time with no job, no medical insurance, and no way to care for Kaylee at the level of what I wanted. I knew I had done the right thing. A few minutes later after some more tears and prayers, the whole crew came back in. We sat and said good thoughts about what we wanted for Kaylee. Scott even got choked up which was a sign for me that he had emotion for what was going on. Darrin & NaeDean gave me a little heart shaped locket with a picture of myself and Kaylee. On the back of the locket the name "lil miss" was engraved as that is what we called Kaylee until she was born. 

The first couple of days after the signing were probably some of the hardest days that I have ever experienced. I was dealing with emotions I had never felt before in addition to every biological aspect of what goes one after a woman gives birth. I cried and Fred (the family cat) tried to comfort me the best he knew how. He would lay in my lap and just purr.

A couple days later I was talking with another birthmom friend online. She had asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was ok, I guess. She said, "you probably feel like someone stuck a knife in your back, slowly turning it, and also patting you on the back saying, "You are strong and did the right thing.'" This is exactly how I felt!! I can not express to you the very emotion that was in that hospital room that day. It was one of those moments where you "just had to be there." 

I found a poem that I hold very deeply in my heart. I tend to read it every year on this day as it is very fitting for a day like today. 

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

Kaylee, Happy 6th Birthday!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LIL MISS KAYLEE!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

Six years ago today a little 5lb 4oz girl was born and placed into my arms. That day was one of the greatest day of my life. I can not believe that just six years ago she was born. It really feels as if it was yesterday!!! Today is bittersweet for me now though. I love birthday but then my mind wanders over to the "Well look what you have missed! Look what you could have had!" I then remind myself of what she has done in the past six years and what I have done in the past six years.

For her birthday this year, I actually put her gift in the mail BEFORE her birthday. That is pretty good for me! The past couple of years I have sent her stuff late and it was more of a valentine's day gift or even late as an Easter gift. So this year I was determined to get the stuff in the mail early. What did I get her?? She is still really into Princess stuff, and was having a Princess themed birthday party. I got her a $15 Target gift card, a Princess & the Frog coloring book (she loves to draw and color), and a Disney Princess reading book. With out even thinking until I got home I looked and the gift card that I picked out was in the shape of the frog...so it goes with the whole Princess theme. :) I sent her at Christmas time a Target gift card as well and she loved it, because she got to pick out stuff with money. It was cute to hear what she bought. Yes it was barbie princess stuff. :)

Today I will go and have breakfast at Chips and get the birthday pancakes. Then I will have to come home and work on a Psych. paper that I have been putting off way too long. Hopefully dinner I will be able to try a new Japenese place that I have not tried yet. So I will make it a good day. I wanted to leave you with a poem that a birthmom friend wrote a couple years ago when her own birthdaughter had a birthday. She is not the only one who feels the way she does in the poem.

Birthday Pain

By: Krissy Mitchell
Birthmommy to Rylee Renee
My baby girl turns four today
My heart is aching
There is so much pain
Just four short years ago
I held her in my arms
I was her "Mommy"
Her very First
I was the first to kiss
Her soft little head
To cuddle her close
To my heart so dead
Tears would drip
On her little face so pure
How can I let go of
My daughter so dear
Four years gone by
My heart is still numb
I think of that day
When I was her "First Mom"
 

Hats

 I woke up this morning to pouring rain and massive wind. I figured I would just wear a hat today due to such crappy weather. Why would I take the time to do my hair when it is just going to be ruined the second I step outside to go to the car? So a hat it was for today. I have many hats. Two pink ballcap, a white ball cap, a green ballcap, then a straw hat from my trip to TN, and then two stocking caps. Yes, I think I have an over abundance of hats. But shh...they all have their purpose. Over just the past couple of years I have been wearing hats more often. I never thought I would be a person who would wear a hat as often as I do now. I now understand the purpose of having them. :) To either block the sun on a bright day, to hide a bad hair day, or to make a statement.

In life we all wear hats, as well. We all have many different hats that we put on from the time we get out of bed until the time we crawl back into bed. I felt that way today. I woke up and put my "intern" hat on and headed down for a two hour internship shift. After that I put my "dentist patient" hat on to get three cavities filled, then I went home and put my "student/wife" hats on as I was home to finish up some homework and print out everything for class. An hour later I was leaving the house again with only my "student" hat on as class was from 5:30pm-8pm tonight. I have other hats though. Like the "birthmother" hat which is a constant reminder since Kaylee's birthday is on Sunday. Another hat that I have is the "daughter" hat. It is Monday and I normally call my mom on the phone either Sunday or Monday evenings. It is almost 10pm and I have yet to pick up the phone to check in with my mom. It has been a crazy day though. I then have my "work" hat that I put on when I am at the theatre. I could go on and say I have a "sister" hat or a "friend" hat.

As you can see I have a lot of hats, but if you think about where you are...you may have more hats than me.

Memento of my life story...

In my social work class that I am in right now we have a weekly journal entries that we turn in for grading. Most of the time the journal entries are about the weekly reading and our understanding of the biophysical, psychological, and social dimensions of the multidimensional approach. This week our weekly journal entry question was to describe some sort of memento that represents our life story. At first I thought this would be easy to do until I sat down to type out the entry. I thought for awhile and found that I could not just choose one item, so I chose four. Here is my weekly journal entry for this week.

After reading the topic for this journal entry, I would have thought this one would be easy.  I am drawing a blank on what would represent my own sense of meaning that represents my personal story in life.  A few things come in mind.  These things would be a moving truck, a violin and two journals.

Each different person would look at my list and wonder why I chose such different items, rather than just one.  I cannot just place one item for my whole life story as each item has a significant part of my life story.

Let me explain the moving truck.  I have done a lot of moving in my life. I was born in Nebraska and lived there until I was four and a half years old.  When I was four and a half, my parents decided it was time to move out to Oregon where my maternal grandparents were living at the time.  When living in Oregon, my family moved around quite a bit until I was in second grade.  I was constantly changing schools every year and it was hard, as I would have to make new friends, which was hard for me since I was extremely shy.  In second grade though, my parents bought a house and are still living there today.  When I was almost 21 years old, I moved out of my parent’s house to learn how to live on my own with a friend.  That year was one of the roughest years of my life due to an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy who I had been engaged to. At almost 22, I moved back home for another couple of years.  I then lived with my little sister until she moved to Olympia, Washington to be closer to Fort Lewis which her husband would be stationed at once he returned home from Iraq.  When I was almost 26 years old, I moved from Oregon to Arizona so that I could live in the same city as my husband (fiance at the time) while he was finishing his doctoral program at University of Arizona.  This was the first time I had lived more than thirty minutes from any type of family.  Rob and I were then married in 2007 and then moved out to Connecticut for three years.  Shortly after the spring term of 2010 at Iona, I will be packing up my house again and moving to somewhere else.  I am getting good at moving, as it seems I have not been in one spot for a long time.

The next item would be a violin.  I started playing the violin when I was in 5th grade.  I remember asking my parents if I could learn this instrument.  They agreed with the understanding of I had to stick with it for the entire year.  I found it difficult, but I loved it.  I played the violin then from fifth grade clear through my senior year in high school.  I was more of an average violin player, but I was just playing it for fun. By playing the violin, I gained the appreciation of classical music.  I do not have a violin anymore as I donated them to my local high school a couple years after graduation to ensure that another child would be able to have the experiences I did with the violin.

The last thing would be two journals.  Ever since I was probably in fourth grade, I have written in a journal.  My mom found that it was a positive expression of one person by writing down their daily activities in a journal.  She said that she could always tell when I was not journaling, as I seemed more stressed than normal.  Today I have two journals that I work with.  I have my own personal journal that is written in when I get a chance to sit down and meditate, while the other journal is for Kaylee.  Ever since she was just a newborn, I have written her letters in this journal.  I started when she was only a couple days old, explained why I placed her and how much I loved being able to call her my own when we were in the hospital.  After placement, I wrote to her about once a week, and then changed it to once a month, then every time I had a visit with her, and now I try to write something down on any major holiday, birthday or activity.  When she is old enough, I will give her the journal for her to see that I never gave up on her.  When writing in the journals, I imagined myself sitting across the table from her and having a conversation.  I put in what my favorite movies were at the time, my favorite movie stars were, and what the big music craze was.  I feel that journaling is almost a written time capsule.  Each person uses his or her own journal differently. 

So as you can see each item holds a different value with my life story. I am sure if you looked back onto where you have been you would have different things than I.

Open, Semi, and Closed Adoptions? English Please!

As part of the adoption world these three terms are used over and over again. When someone outside of the adoption world hears these words they may not know what they all mean. This happened last night in my social work class when my professor explained that she is an adoptive mother of two children. One adoption is open and one is closed. Her daughter's adoption started out closed and when she was a couple years old the birth grandmother contacted my professor to see if the adoption could be opened. My professor was ok with this but she said, "Now if you come in to be grandma to my daughter you will be grandma to my son as he will not udnerstand since he has a closed adoption." The birth grandmother agreed and understood why my professor would ask of this.

Once my professor got done telling her story, a classmate of mine asked what an open adoption was verses any other type of adoption. My professor asked me if I would like to answer this. I grinned and said, "Sure!" I explained the differences of each type of adoption.

For my readers who do not know the difference, I will tell you also the difference. I feel like everyone should know the difference due to the up rise of celebrities adopting and the talk of adoption in many prime time shows on each network lately.

First let's start with Closed Adoptions. A closed adoption is when the birth parent & adoptive parent have no idea who each other is. Closed adoptions would be international adoptions and any adoption that took place before probably 1980. I could be wrong on this date, as I am not an expert.

The second type of adoption is called Semi-Open. Semi-Open adoptions are when the birth mother and the adoptive families know who each party is. The birthmother may recieve pictures, emails, and letters of the child through out its life with out any visits. The information of each party is limited such as an address or phone number. Contact may be sent through the adoption agency to help keep information seperate.

The third and final of adoption is an Open Adoption. Open adoption are when all parties involved know all vital information. The birth mother recieves pictures, letters, emails, cards, visits from the adoptive family and child. The adoptive family is chosen by the birthmother where as in a closed adoption the adoptive family may choose the child.

Open adoptions are becoming more and more popular these days. This option is the best option for all parties. The child knows both families through out their life and there are no hidden questions. This is why I chose to place Kaylee into an open adoption. I wanted to be able to see her grow up while I gave her a better life than what I could have ever given her. I know that she will be able to come ask me questions when she gets older and I will be completely honest with her. She will not go her life wondering who she looks like, where she came from and so on.

Songs that could be related to Adoption

It is becoming that time of January where my mind starts to wonder back to when I was very pregnant with Kaylee. She will turn 6 years old at the end of this month which is just out of this world. How far I have came in these past six years with the terms of what an open adoption really means to me and my own family. Since I am drawn to music I tend to pick up songs that could be related to adoption. Thought I would share my list with you.

• "I will always love you" by Dolly Parton
• "Pray for me" by Michael W. Smith
• "Baby Mine" by Bette Midler
• "I hope you dance" by LeAnne Wolmack
• "Tattoo" by Jennifer Hudson
• "Here without you" by Three Doors Down
• "Remember Me" by Mark Schultz
• "Held" by Natalie Grant
• "I Will Remember You" by Sara McLachlan 
• "Think of Me" by Mark Schultz
• "One More Day" by Diamond Rio
• "Everything to me" by Mark Schultz

There are a ton more that I probably could put on here...but these are the ones that really speak to me. For even a greater list of adoption related songs check out the Birthmom Buds Blog back in June of 2009. 

I Carry your heart with me...

Tonight I was catching up with one of my Sunday evening tv shows that was still on the dvr. At the end of the episode there was a wedding scene and Kitty (one of the character's in my show) was reading a poem for her brother. The poem was by E.E. Cummings and it just really spoke to me. I am sure other birthmothers will be able to relate to the poem I am about to share with you. The poem is popular with weddings, but I think any birthparent feels the same way for their child or children that are placed into foster or adoptive families. If I would have know about this poem before now, I would have this read at the reflection time after the signing of the relinquishment papers of Kaylee.

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)